CALL THE HANDS
By Roger Paine
The Book Guild - £10.99
978 1 84624 318 9
Roger Paine once confided in me that he had never taken the Royal Navy too seriously. I found that hard to believe. Rising from junior rating to the rarefied rank of Commander required taking the RN very seriously indeed! What he actually meant was he had never lost his sense of humour and had always been able to see the funny side of The Navy Lark.
So when I learned that Roger’s collection of salty yarns, Call the Hands, was to be launched at a hostelry which bore the unlikely name of The Boot and Flogger, my first thought was that this was yet another fine piece of Paine whimsy. Google quickly dispelled such mutinous notions.
The hugely infectious smile on the face of the tousle-haired Lieutenant on the book’s cover gives the game away. From page one this is a pitch perfect pastiche of naval life destined to warm the cockles of even the most cynical landlubber.
A life at sea, for that is what this collection of anecdotes is, runs the gamut of emotions; the ice cold fingers gripping the heart of young Roger having inveigled the temperamental PO Chef to demonstrate his talents as a confectioner by baking a giant cake to celebrate The Queen’s birthday as the frigate in which he was serving steamed into the former British colony of the Seychelles, when he realised the ornate flag so skilfully iced onto the cake was the pre-coup banner of the previous regime – and diplomatic disaster loomed. The day was saved in the nick of time by the application of coloured inks from the chartroom to the icing bags. Having been congratulated by no less than the newly installed President himself for such a fine replica of their national emblem the ship sailed the next day and our hero breathed a sigh of relief.
There are tales aplenty from the curious case of Hegfi’s ancient London taxi and multi tasked manservant, the traditional marks of respect paid by RN ships as they pass locations where shipmates have crossed-the-bar; ships’ mascots including Trotsky a black Russian bear who enjoyed swimming in the harbour but invariably returned to the wrong ship, much to the consternation of the crew or Sippers the pet monkey with a penchant for the sailors’ tipple lost overboard after a tot too many; some intriguing background on the origins of the “grog” ration including a practice known amusingly as “sucking the monkey”…oh and a recipe for Christmas rum cake.
But the one I like best is the anecdote of Roger, the steely-eyed Cod War warrior, equipping HMS Lincoln with a secret weapon to fend off Icelandic gunboats - but for that you'll have to read the book!
Like the tot of Pusser’s we raised to Roger at the Boot and Flogger, Call the Hands warms the sailors’ heart, and the pleasure lingers on.